Tweaked Epiphany
by Professor Vile


The doctor's son received a draft notice, or a death sentence, or a birth certificate. Hell, maybe they sent him a college application, or taxation forms. It doesn't really matter all that much seeing as they all looked the same. The boy blew his brains out all over the dining room when he saw the mail.
"We no longer observe the Satanic New Year as a holiday at St.Adolf's Catholic School for the Perpetually Damned," boomed the bald bastard of a principal/priest over the morning PA announcements, "We received some 'feedback' that informed us of the faux pas and we reserve the right to beat all of you children of God if you disagree. In other news, seventy-two of our students had sex last night. Congratulations to Tina Del Pont, a freshman who has just gotten pregnant and will go on to have her first abortion this afternoon. Way to go Tina! The senior class will be smoking crack cocaine in the cafeteria throughout third, fourth and fifth period lunches. Won't you go out and support them? After school today, any and all female students can be raped by the boys JV football team in room 304. Should be fun. Only sixteen students died last night when bus number 16 crashed into a chitlun truck. The PTA will be selling hash brownies for a fund raiser tomorrow and the vice principal died of AIDS this morning. Please rise as your homeroom teacher reads the morning prayer while I salute the flag with my pure American, pope approved genitalia."
The madness continued as a homeroom teacher with PMS rips her pubic hair out for tips from the class.
Catholic School girls look so fuckable in those uniforms of theirs. They wander around the mall amongst all of the other girls and there's just a sense of mystery about what's underneath that plaid skirt. If there exists a man who doesn't get a hard-on from knee socks and short , plaid skirts, then he is probably a queer!
Oh, the joy of bending a Catholic girl over the altar and fucking the ever living Hell out of her. Its a pleasure that few experience, but many fantasize about. You should try it sometime. Just sit on the altar, next to your Catholic girl, and join her in staring at the statues of the saints that some joker saw fit to carve. Then grab hold of her knee. Slowly work your way back up her thigh, massaging and caressing before working your way back down to the knee again. After the second time you do this, you're in like flint. Just roll her over, flip over her skirt, pull her panties around her ankles and then make like a bunny rabbit and fuck. You can do this in the mall too, but you bend her over the railing of the second level rather than an altar. Fuck it man, you either adapt or you turn into shit.
"What the fuck are you fucking looking at, fucker?" Grinned a rotten looking dude in a sailor's suit to a menacingly horrifying middle -aged psycho.
"Give me my fucking Hockey scratch off ticket before I fuck your fingers off one by one!" The psycho sneered at the sailor before everyone on the crowded city street just joined hands and chanted, "motherfucker,motherfucker,"in harmony. The psycho punched the sailor and then pissed on his eyeball.
The psycho grew up on the deep southern bayou where he wrestled six foot long catfish and alligators out of crazy ass boredom. The sheep fucking cowboys from the industrial meat complex rode on their cows down to the bayou one day but they stumbled back all battered up from their losing battle with one giant eight-foot long spiny catfish with big old bloody teeth. The psycho hadda laugh at the sight of cows devoured by the very fish that beat the ever living shit out of the rugged cowboys. This psycho would take no lip from a faggot ass sailor.
A crack smoking sophomore at St.Adolf's went into the confessional booth which was conveniently located on the side of an altar in the church. He looked up at the screen, boldly seeing the outline of the priest's face.
"So,"the priest mused aloud,"tell me about your sins, kid."A glint of sleaziness shined in the man's black speech.
"I fucked my twelve year sister in the ass last week,"the boy either confessed or bragged, "and I smoke crack alot. I murdered a fucking pet dog this week. Bashed its fucking brains in. I told my mom she was a cunt. I always copy other people's answers on tests. Oh, I fist fucked Sister Helena while she sucked my cock."
"Say two Hail Mary's and try having vaginal intercourse more often," The priest cheerily chimed. "God made fists to punch other people and he made assholes for queers like me. If you have oral sex performed on you, your balls shrink and when you perform oral sex on a girl, you get oral herpes. Jesus knew all that, it says so in the Bible. Have you ever read the Bible?"
"FUCK NO." the boy swore.
"Neither have I!" smiled the priest. "I absolve you of your sins, my little Christian soldier."
"I condemn you to die my little Christian soldier," boomed the voice of God or uncle Sam or maybe it was the draft officer. Who the fuck knows?! But the Christian soldier in army fatigues took up his gun and walked out the birth canal and into the fray of bloodshed and napalm, Where modern men shoved guns up the cunts of phillipino women and fired.
Ah, the orgasmic worldfuck of war! Modern man as a corporate chess piece.See homosapiens violently rape the fucking piss and shit out of poor farm girls while bashing infants heads into jagged pieces of skull with rifle butts! Witness whole cities of people (who are alot like you) die painfully and bloody just because they had the misfortune of living where they did. Experience the joy of raping a thirteen year old gook. Feel the blast of a hollow-point, armor piercing bullet as it penetrates your cranium, rattles around inside your head and literally makes a pink mush out of your brain, thus eradicating all that you were, are, or ever will be. FADE TO FUCKING BLACK.

A puffed up televangelist quotes the bible like a madman on a T.V. show while his devoted audience goes from rabid to vampiric in their crusade against everyone and everything that they aren't smart enough to understand. The pedephilic televangelist dreams of boys and blow jobs while he leaps about the stage like a caged goat, screaming of Jesus and all manner of bullshit. Suddenly, the audience turns on each other , shredded limbs blaze through the air, razed from bodies. The preacher, doubles over, and pulls hundred dollar bills out of his ass. Then, in a fit of pique, a bouncing baby antichrist pops out of the ass and runs all around the television studio and its all there for you to witness on Sunday morning T.V. Hallelujah!
"AMEN," was the last word of Saint Hari Kari's prayer for all those about to commit suicide . Ironically, the last word spoken by the late doctor's son was also "AMEN." It seems assanine, in retrospect, that the mail could make this poor kid go kamikaze, but what can ya' do?
Lots of shit! You can torch a car, shoot a squirrel, bob for apples, visit the zoo, buy a tractor trailer , cook pasta, move to Topeka, Kansas, go fishing, drink tea, hold a seance, run for office, have sex with your wife, drive to the mall, take up a hobby, wear a new suit, invest in the stock market, grow oranges, apples, and nuts, get a parakeet, feed alkaseltzer to seagulls, eat shit, mow the lawn,visit an airport,shoot the breeze,kill your children,eat Chinese, have a headache, get sick, catch a tennis ball between your teeth, change your shirt, join a club, start a holy war, fuck things up, help an old lady across the street, rob a bank, climb a hill, go out drinking, set a date, cut off your genitals with a pair of scissors that you lobotomized yourself with before blowing out your skulls contents onto a famous work of art such as DaVinci's ugly fucking rendition of the Mona Lisa. If all women looked like that, men would turn gay in swarms.
So the born again Christian with itchy fingers and no cock places her hand on the stove just to prove how much she loves Christ. Her husband suggests clitoral circumcision and she retorts by laying a proverbial bombshell on him.
"I can't. I got shot in the clit by a nun at my mother's behest when I was six through twenty-one." Then she carves crosses all over her face.
"I always knew that your mother was an old fashioned cunt-lapper."
Her husband smiled and continued reading the newspaper..
"I always wondered why you seemed to be so bored when I pretended to fuck you. And that time I kicked you in the pussy and you didn't even flinch. I now understand."
"Pretend to fuck me?" She seemed perplexed.
"Yes, honey. All these years I've been borrowing our neighbor Ted Gunderson's cock to fuck you because mine was cut off by the first girl I ever fucked. She kept it in her ass and only let it out to go to church on Sundays until it slithered through her intestines and into her stomach where it was dissolved by digestive acids. Poor dick. What a horrible way to go."
Deep in the bushes, Ted gunderson smiled as he painstakingly sewed his family jewels back on for the umpteenth time.
The psycho and the sailor took a path train to Hell and it looked alot like Cleveland.
St.Adolf stood proudly in his swastuk glory as an orgy of autoasphixatory abandon ensued among the disciples of his school. Students, teachers, nuns, brothers priests, and the whole entire P.T.A fucked and sucked and licked and choked and bit and swallowed, slurping out the rhythm in the fashion of their lord. Tina Del Point sucked the holy cum of St. Adolf himself right off the floor as the confessional priest fucked her ass just to see if the crack smoking sophomore knew just what the fuck he was talking about. Her abortion stood on the moon, waving down at the orgy hand and hand with Jesus, who could not imagine why assholes with barely functioning brains had assumed for so long that he actually likes them just because they beat the fucking cum out of everyone else in the world with his ghost written autobiography. Both he and the abortion cried and even the moon felt a bit sad.
Death could stand repression no longer. He just broke his shackles, flew bounding into the earth and fucked up all present at the orgy. Skin shredded,bones shattered into sharp little splinters and brains split out into the streams like eggs onto a griddle. Let's eat from the mishmash of colorful organ tissue. Let's dine on the psycho whom Death devoured through the sailor . Let's fatten up on the already cooked victims of bombastic BBQ wars. Let's partake of the Anti-Christ, the fruit of organized, televised, religion's ass. Let's eat each other ! I just want to eat out a Catholic high school girl right before I fuck her to high heaven. Let's FUCK! IF ITS OLD ENOUGH TO EAT THEN ITS OLD ENOUGH TO FUCK!!!
And silence. In the dining room , your vision focuses on the ruined cranium of the good doctor's son. His final thoughts, undecoded, lay decorating the wall, now dripping down to the carpet with it's Celtic design. One hand still clenched the gun. The other hand clenched a note, received in the mail, that read: ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE. THAT'S ALL. LOVE.