Tweaked Epiphany
by Professor Vile
The doctor's son received
a draft notice, or a death sentence, or a birth certificate.
Hell, maybe they sent him a college application, or taxation
forms. It doesn't really matter all that much seeing as they
all looked the same. The boy blew his brains out all over the
dining room when he saw the mail.
"We no longer observe the Satanic New Year as a holiday
at St.Adolf's Catholic School for the Perpetually Damned,"
boomed the bald bastard of a principal/priest over the morning
PA announcements, "We received some 'feedback' that informed
us of the faux pas and we reserve the right to beat all of you
children of God if you disagree. In other news, seventy-two of
our students had sex last night. Congratulations to Tina Del
Pont, a freshman who has just gotten pregnant and will go on
to have her first abortion this afternoon. Way to go Tina! The
senior class will be smoking crack cocaine in the cafeteria throughout
third, fourth and fifth period lunches. Won't you go out and
support them? After school today, any and all female students
can be raped by the boys JV football team in room 304. Should
be fun. Only sixteen students died last night when bus number
16 crashed into a chitlun truck. The PTA will be selling hash
brownies for a fund raiser tomorrow and the vice principal died
of AIDS this morning. Please rise as your homeroom teacher reads
the morning prayer while I salute the flag with my pure American,
pope approved genitalia."
The madness continued as a homeroom teacher with PMS rips her
pubic hair out for tips from the class.
Catholic School girls look so fuckable in those uniforms of theirs.
They wander around the mall amongst all of the other girls and
there's just a sense of mystery about what's underneath that
plaid skirt. If there exists a man who doesn't get a hard-on
from knee socks and short , plaid skirts, then he is probably
a queer!
Oh, the joy of bending a Catholic girl over the altar and fucking
the ever living Hell out of her. Its a pleasure that few experience,
but many fantasize about. You should try it sometime. Just sit
on the altar, next to your Catholic girl, and join her in staring
at the statues of the saints that some joker saw fit to carve.
Then grab hold of her knee. Slowly work your way back up her
thigh, massaging and caressing before working your way back down
to the knee again. After the second time you do this, you're
in like flint. Just roll her over, flip over her skirt, pull
her panties around her ankles and then make like a bunny rabbit
and fuck. You can do this in the mall too, but you bend her over
the railing of the second level rather than an altar. Fuck it
man, you either adapt or you turn into shit.
"What the fuck are you fucking looking at, fucker?"
Grinned a rotten looking dude in a sailor's suit to a menacingly
horrifying middle -aged psycho.
"Give me my fucking Hockey scratch off ticket before I fuck
your fingers off one by one!" The psycho sneered at the
sailor before everyone on the crowded city street just joined
hands and chanted, "motherfucker,motherfucker,"in harmony.
The psycho punched the sailor and then pissed on his eyeball.
"TAKE THAT, FUCK."
The psycho grew up on the deep southern bayou where he wrestled
six foot long catfish and alligators out of crazy ass boredom.
The sheep fucking cowboys from the industrial meat complex rode
on their cows down to the bayou one day but they stumbled back
all battered up from their losing battle with one giant eight-foot
long spiny catfish with big old bloody teeth. The psycho hadda
laugh at the sight of cows devoured by the very fish that beat
the ever living shit out of the rugged cowboys. This psycho would
take no lip from a faggot ass sailor.
A crack smoking sophomore at St.Adolf's went into the confessional
booth which was conveniently located on the side of an altar
in the church. He looked up at the screen, boldly seeing the
outline of the priest's face.
"So,"the priest mused aloud,"tell me about your
sins, kid."A glint of sleaziness shined in the man's black
speech.
"I fucked my twelve year sister in the ass last week,"the
boy either confessed or bragged, "and I smoke crack alot.
I murdered a fucking pet dog this week. Bashed its fucking brains
in. I told my mom she was a cunt. I always copy other people's
answers on tests. Oh, I fist fucked Sister Helena while she sucked
my cock."
"Say two Hail Mary's and try having vaginal intercourse
more often," The priest cheerily chimed. "God made
fists to punch other people and he made assholes for queers like
me. If you have oral sex performed on you, your balls shrink
and when you perform oral sex on a girl, you get oral herpes.
Jesus knew all that, it says so in the Bible. Have you ever read
the Bible?"
"FUCK NO." the boy swore.
"Neither have I!" smiled the priest. "I absolve
you of your sins, my little Christian soldier."
"I condemn you to die my little Christian soldier,"
boomed the voice of God or uncle Sam or maybe it was the draft
officer. Who the fuck knows?! But the Christian soldier in army
fatigues took up his gun and walked out the birth canal and into
the fray of bloodshed and napalm, Where modern men shoved guns
up the cunts of phillipino women and fired.
Ah, the orgasmic worldfuck of war! Modern man as a corporate
chess piece.See homosapiens violently rape the fucking piss and
shit out of poor farm girls while bashing infants heads into
jagged pieces of skull with rifle butts! Witness whole cities
of people (who are alot like you) die painfully and bloody just
because they had the misfortune of living where they did. Experience
the joy of raping a thirteen year old gook. Feel the blast of
a hollow-point, armor piercing bullet as it penetrates your cranium,
rattles around inside your head and literally makes a pink mush
out of your brain, thus eradicating all that you were, are, or
ever will be. FADE TO FUCKING BLACK.
FADE INTO...
A puffed up televangelist quotes the bible like a madman on a
T.V. show while his devoted audience goes from rabid to vampiric
in their crusade against everyone and everything that they aren't
smart enough to understand. The pedephilic televangelist dreams
of boys and blow jobs while he leaps about the stage like a caged
goat, screaming of Jesus and all manner of bullshit. Suddenly,
the audience turns on each other , shredded limbs blaze through
the air, razed from bodies. The preacher, doubles over, and pulls
hundred dollar bills out of his ass. Then, in a fit of pique,
a bouncing baby antichrist pops out of the ass and runs all around
the television studio and its all there for you to witness on
Sunday morning T.V. Hallelujah!
"AMEN," was the last word of Saint Hari Kari's prayer
for all those about to commit suicide . Ironically, the last
word spoken by the late doctor's son was also "AMEN."
It seems assanine, in retrospect, that the mail could make this
poor kid go kamikaze, but what can ya' do?
Lots of shit! You can torch a car, shoot a squirrel, bob for
apples, visit the zoo, buy a tractor trailer , cook pasta, move
to Topeka, Kansas, go fishing, drink tea, hold a seance, run
for office, have sex with your wife, drive to the mall, take
up a hobby, wear a new suit, invest in the stock market, grow
oranges, apples, and nuts, get a parakeet, feed alkaseltzer to
seagulls, eat shit, mow the lawn,visit an airport,shoot the breeze,kill
your children,eat Chinese, have a headache, get sick, catch a
tennis ball between your teeth, change your shirt, join a club,
start a holy war, fuck things up, help an old lady across the
street, rob a bank, climb a hill, go out drinking, set a date,
cut off your genitals with a pair of scissors that you lobotomized
yourself with before blowing out your skulls contents onto a
famous work of art such as DaVinci's ugly fucking rendition of
the Mona Lisa. If all women looked like that, men would turn
gay in swarms.
So the born again Christian with itchy fingers and no cock places
her hand on the stove just to prove how much she loves Christ.
Her husband suggests clitoral circumcision and she retorts by
laying a proverbial bombshell on him.
"I can't. I got shot in the clit by a nun at my mother's
behest when I was six through twenty-one." Then she carves
crosses all over her face.
"I always knew that your mother was an old fashioned cunt-lapper."
Her husband smiled and continued reading the newspaper..
"I always wondered why you seemed to be so bored when I
pretended to fuck you. And that time I kicked you in the pussy
and you didn't even flinch. I now understand."
"Pretend to fuck me?" She seemed perplexed.
"Yes, honey. All these years I've been borrowing our neighbor
Ted Gunderson's cock to fuck you because mine was cut off by
the first girl I ever fucked. She kept it in her ass and only
let it out to go to church on Sundays until it slithered through
her intestines and into her stomach where it was dissolved by
digestive acids. Poor dick. What a horrible way to go."
Deep in the bushes, Ted gunderson smiled as he painstakingly
sewed his family jewels back on for the umpteenth time.
The psycho and the sailor took a path train to Hell and it looked
alot like Cleveland.
St.Adolf stood proudly in his swastuk glory as an orgy of autoasphixatory
abandon ensued among the disciples of his school. Students, teachers,
nuns, brothers priests, and the whole entire P.T.A fucked and
sucked and licked and choked and bit and swallowed, slurping
out the rhythm in the fashion of their lord. Tina Del Point sucked
the holy cum of St. Adolf himself right off the floor as the
confessional priest fucked her ass just to see if the crack smoking
sophomore knew just what the fuck he was talking about. Her abortion
stood on the moon, waving down at the orgy hand and hand with
Jesus, who could not imagine why assholes with barely functioning
brains had assumed for so long that he actually likes them just
because they beat the fucking cum out of everyone else in the
world with his ghost written autobiography. Both he and the abortion
cried and even the moon felt a bit sad.
Death could stand repression no longer. He just broke his shackles,
flew bounding into the earth and fucked up all present at the
orgy. Skin shredded,bones shattered into sharp little splinters
and brains split out into the streams like eggs onto a griddle.
Let's eat from the mishmash of colorful organ tissue. Let's dine
on the psycho whom Death devoured through the sailor . Let's
fatten up on the already cooked victims of bombastic BBQ wars.
Let's partake of the Anti-Christ, the fruit of organized, televised,
religion's ass. Let's eat each other ! I just want to eat out
a Catholic high school girl right before I fuck her to high heaven.
Let's FUCK! IF ITS OLD ENOUGH TO EAT THEN ITS OLD ENOUGH TO FUCK!!!
And silence. In the dining room , your vision focuses on the
ruined cranium of the good doctor's son. His final thoughts,
undecoded, lay decorating the wall, now dripping down to the
carpet with it's Celtic design. One hand still clenched the gun.
The other hand clenched a note, received in the mail, that read:
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE. THAT'S ALL. LOVE.
THE END
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