The Sacrilegious Heart o' JESUS
by Professor VILE


Mort O'Herlihy had always been a devoutly religious mother fucker. Raised a methodist, he attended Church every Sunday morning until he met his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ one day. His coming face to face with the object of his devotion showed Mort just what a fool he existed for for the twenty seven years he called Jesus his "personal God."
You see, brothers and sisters, Mortimer O'Herlihy sold fake plastic Christmas trees for a living and he invested all of his earnings in companies founded by devout Christians. He lost a shit load of money through that personal economic policy.
Mort's brother found Buddha and subsequently assured his place in hell with Satan because he refuted Jesus and all of his teachings. He did not believe the Bible, which Mort had the common sense to know was "God's Word," and if you didn't believe it unfailingly, you were fucked.
Well anyway, one brisk day, Mort just sat around his house and watched his old vintage 1980's Jim and Tammy Baker videos and tried successfully to suppress his demonically inspired lustful feelings for Tammy and her bright shiny mask of makeup. Suddenly, at 3:15 in the afternoon, Jesus appeared in a blinding Blast of blue luminescence and floated across Mort's living room. He wore flowing white robes and his fiery bloody heart was as visible in his chest as the holes were in his hands and feet. Mortimer had never felt more nirvanic then when Jesus smiled and spoke to him in a voice filled with blind RAGE!!!!
"Guess what Mort?!!!" he growled,"I don't believe in God or the Bible! I worship Buddha!"
"What?" Mort was shocked.
"And I said 'To Hell with going to church last Sunday. Church is so goddamn ritualistic and boring. It's dumb. I can't believe you actually attend Church my son. You've got to be the most easily amused sonovabitch.since that loser Moses, who actually changed his life because my dad threw his voice over to a bush that had caught fire and told him to."
"Why are you doing this?!!" Mort cried out to Jesus, who just started laughing and sending lightning bolts out of his fingertips towards Mort's dog, which was ironically named Jesus, too.
"I'm doing all of this to dishonor my folks. The virgin Mary's been pissing me off. Lately, she's been all over my ass to clean my room and she appeared to those little bastards in Fatima and told them that they're saved, but the bible clearly states that I hate everyone who isn't white, straight, or drug free, and we all know that those damn homo's in Fatima all smoke pot. They smoke huge-ass buds and go to church stoned, which I cant blame them for seeing as the only way I could sit through Church is if I'm outta my head on some kinda drugs.""
"You've got to be a demon trying to convince me that you're my Jesus!!!"
"No such luck, Morty my boy. i am your Jesus, in the flesh!" Jesus howled before adding, "oh yeah, I'm gonna disappear into thin air before this gets any more surreal. I will never appear to you again though Morty. You have My word on that, LOCK,STOCK, and BARREL!!"
Then Jesus disappeared into thin air , just like he had said. Mort was perturbed, disturbed, slurred, and not very assured about the display he had just witnessed. Why did Jesus Christ just appear to him and break the first four commandments? Mort O Herlihly would not have enough time to answer that question, because within minutes of disappearing, Jesus reappeared with a distressing announcement.
"I just had sex with your wife. Then, I strangled her." The Lord laughed to Morts dismay."YOU don't believe me? Why don't you go into your bedroom and have a look-see?"
Mort obliged and was met with the sight of his dear wife, lying on the bed, killed by one of the three persons that make up one God.
"You bastard!" Morty yelled."I can't believe I worshipped anyone as psychotic as you. Fuck you and you're whole goddamn religion!"
"Pretty strong words for a weak piece of shit like you, Morty. By the way, I coveted your wife ever since you married her. And I like your stereo system too. I want it.."
"Oh yeah?" Mort had grown indignant,"Well you can't have it asshole!"
"Well then,"Jesus groped for the right words,"I'm gonna get the HELL outta here. So long, sucker. Oh shit. I almost forgot, you have no style. YOU my friend and son, are the asshole in this situation." With that, Jesus dematerialized. Mort just passed out cold on the couch.
About three hours later, Mortimer O'Herlihy was awakened by someone screaming in his left ear. It was Jesus, only he was one foot tall and crucified on a little cross. The cross emanated a curious golden glow and Jesus himself wore a flickering strobe -esque halo.
"I bestow upon you the gift of wings, my son." Jesus said solemnly before evaporating.
"Shut the fuck up!" Mort groaned at his ex-savior before going back to his slumber.
Mort tried to get up again at midnight and tried to get off the couch, but he just fell on the floor and floundered like a flounder, or some other kind of fucked-up fish. He no longer owned a pair of arms. That rat bastard Jesus Christ had replaced them with huge, human sized, leathery wings. He cursed his fate, while flapping his ungodly appendages before he looked over at his entertainment center and saw that his stereo system was missing. Jesus had robbed him. This ain't the word of the Lord.


A-Fucking-Men