PURE GARBAGE

by PROFESSOR VILE

What's with those goddam bumper stickers that seem To adorn the ass ends of every third car on the road in Monmouth County, New Jersey? These contemptable Things feature different variations on the same persuasively worded phrase, each different message written in a font that is supposed to resemble the crayonscrawled writings of a young child's hand. They all say Roughly the same thing:

"Please drive carefully. This is my mommy."(Or, depending on the sticker, daddy, grandma, or grandpa.)

I hate this condescending shit! Every time I see on of those bumper stickers, I feel like running the pompous jerk right off of the road and down a cliff. Why should it matter to me that the asshole behind the Wheel of the car in front of me decided to breed? Why the hell does this parenthood status entitle them To extra protection on our nation's roadways? Who says That a single, childless male has less of a right to live than some goddam babymaking machine? And grandparents? Fuck theml They have less of a right to life than anyone! I mean, grandparents only serve to first Introduce us to the concept of being spoiled until they

Finally first introduce its to the reality of death! So what difference does it make if grandpa dies of cancer in a hospital bed or ends tip as roadkill?!? And Considering the dangerously inept way that most elderly People drive, I want a bumper sticker that says:

"Get chauffers already, you geriatric bastards, I want to live long enough to be a grandparent!*

I do not strictly desire to beat up on old people, Here. You see, everyone who has ever slapped one of those sappy stickers on the back of their automobile Deserves to have the car totaled! They all seem to drive like shit! C'mon! If I can get close enough to you to Read your fucking bumper sticker,than you are going Too fucking slow! it's just like those 'Baby on Board" Signs from the eighties, only now, these white scum fucks have urged us all to pay special attention to them even when they've left their brat at home.

The idea that these pleas emanate from the desires of their children gauls me. The persuasive technique of using a child's handwriting to tug at our Heartstrings brings me to a furious rage. It's almost Pornographic. It's also bullshit. if those friggin' stickers Actually wanted to bring some truth and accuracy into Their campaign, then some "other" variations on this Theme would have been designed as well. For example,

*PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY, I'M TRAFFICKING DRUGS
or

*PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY, I'M DRUNK, BUT I DRIVE VERY WELL WHEN NO ONE FUCKS WITH ME.

Here's another variation on that theme:
*PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY, I'M SO DRUNK THAT I'M BOUND TO COLLIDE WITH ANYTHING THAT COMES WITHIN TEN FEET OF ME.

Or, how about this:
*PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY, I KEEP A LOADEDGUN IN MY GLOVE COMPARTMENT, AND I WILL USE IT IF PROVOKED.

Also, we would need some bumper stickers to single Out those that should not receive any sort of protection On the road:
*PLEASE HIT THIS CAR. THIS IS MY DEADBEAT DAD.

Or,
*PLEASE RUN THIS CAR INTO A TREE, THIS IS MY ABUSIVE MOTHER.

Or.
*PLEASE KILL THE DRIVER. HE IS MY CHILD MOLES71NG GRANDFATHER.

I can't wait to see this one,
DON'T DRIVE SAFELY! THIS IS My WIFE WHO IS WORTH A MILLION DEAD, BUT I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO HIT HER.

So my message to the fictitious child behind that Crayon scrawled poop:

TELL YOUR MOMMY, DADDY, GRANDMA AND GRANDPA THAT IF THEY ARE SO CONCERNED ABOUT THE WAY US CHILDLESS FOLKS DRIVE. THEN GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROADI! Monmouth County has excellent public transportation services.

 

THE END