By Professor Vile
Rob Erlich drove all the way from Albany,
NY to the Jersey Shore in a heated frenzy. With no reguard for
traffic laws, he sped down the parkway with a full tank of gas
and twenty-seven dollars. The blue sky melted in the heat of
the afternoon sun as he briefly stared into his rear-view mirror.
His eyes burned from the glow of the road and about ten exits
back, he had thrown his old, scratched up pair of sunglasses
out the window of his 1997 chevy Chevalier. It seemed like a
good idea at the time. Now it seemed like the stupidest thing
he could've done. If only the goddamn sun wasn't so bright, he
thought to himself. But the sun only got brighter and his eyes
only got more and more singed from the goddamn glare on the friggin'
parkway. Rob half thought of turning around and driving against
the traffic, just to get the absent pair of shades, but rational
thought aborted that plan.
So instead, he put his foot down on the gas pedal and accelerated
to somewhere around 110 miles per hour. Trees on either side
of the road joined together in a dark green blur with tiny white
lines that reminded him of some science fiction movies where
the captain of a particular starship orders the crew to send
the vessel into warp speed or something.
He shot past other cars like a bullet. The broken, white lines
that divided each lane blurred into one white hot warning---Don't
Exit This Lane! Just go straight! The intense speed caused Rob's
ears to pop and caused his nose to bleed. Fuck it, he thought,
it's only blood. No one dies of a nosebleed. Blood cut a trail
from his nose to his mouth. Instinctively, he parted his lips
and let the stuff flow into his mouth. Liquid refreshment. That
familiar salty taste took his obsessed mind off the acidic burning
of his eyes and transported him to the world of his youth where
the ingesting of blood brought relief from his pain and the drawing
of blood from his own body brought with it a sense of perverse
"Take it like a man, you goddamn FAGGOT," his friends
"Friggin' jerk off!!," they'd yell, "PUSSY!!,"
Followed by another punch, kick, hit , blow, jab, or any one
of many other violent acts. The grab bag of abuse was bottomless
and always full. Even a game of ball only acted as a front for
violence. Darwin's theory of natural selection in effect. If
you couldn't excel at the game, you got the ever-living shit
kicked out of you by your friends. Then you excelled big time,
or you had no friends.
Rob excelled in all the games because he couldn't
accept the alternative. Little Robbie Erlich was a winner. He
vowed to always make the scoring run, the winning touchdown,
the final goal and the biggest trophy. To him and his friends,
winning brought glory and losing brought a black eye.
EYES burned like eggs on the blacktop on a brutal Arizona afternoon.
Rob could see a glow emanating from the road, and that was about
it. He began to swerve within his lane- only a loser would swerve
within his lane, though. Rob couldn't have that. He figured that
if he must swerve, he'd swerve over all of the lanes and right
into a tree because, if he survived, it would prove that he is
a winner. But, if he died, it would show that he was a loser,
who, according to Darwin, would help the evolutionary process
along simply by dying. He almost swerved into a tree, in order
to test his own strength, but once again, rational thought returned
and aborted the plan.
School taught Robbie Erlich the very same lessons that his friends
did. Only now, failure to excel had a social cost as well as
a physical cost. Failure to excel in school was much more complex
than the failure to excel in sports. In school, you could fail
classes and be labeled an idiot. Once you knew of your own idiocy,
you will never excel in school, because idiots don't excel. If
you could fail to excel socially, then you would have no friends,
no girlfriends, no popularity and nothing to do for the most
part. Generally, if you were a social failure, you existed as
a whipping boy for a good deal of those who did excel socially.
It seemed logical that their hard earned social success gave
them a green light to beat the fuck out of all the geeks and
nerds. If a geek had any self-esteem, it was the patriotic duty
of all of the kids in popular circles to fucking shred, rip,
and squash that fucking faggot's self esteem like a rabid pit
bull rips a newborn infants' head from its body and devours it.
Kills it dead. But the burning sun blasted white hot balls of
shimmering light into Rob's goddamn fiery fuckin' fried bloodshot,
burning, searing, fucking eyes. The heat produced an anger in
this man who was now just a pissed off driving machine with eyes
on fire and a bloody fucking nose.
"Shit, goddamnit! F'in' motherfucker!!!" he cursed
and punched the dashboard hard enough to break it. He let out
another stream of profanities as his knuckles swelled up on the
hand that hit the dash-board. He began to scream as the car flew
down the road. The sun burned his eyes into two red coals. The
knuckles on his right hand felt like the skin covering them had
been torn to the point where his bones underneath had been exposed.
His head was all sorts of fucked up and his shirt, pants, and
face all had about half a gallon of blood soaked into them. To
top it all off, the all time winner and successful lawyer from
Albany, NY forgot just why the fuck he was going to the goddamn
Jersey shore in the first place. It was just a gut decision with
no logic or rational thought. Just then, Rob realized that the
only way to excel at anything was simply sit back, relax, and
say , "To hell with it. All of it!!" His eyes may well
have burst into flames . It now became totally unbearable. And
since he had no control over the brightness of the sun, he decided
to take control over his eyes with the hand that wrecked the
All he wanted to do, as his speedometer hit 115 mph was to claw
those eyes right out of his fucking head, at whatever the cost.
This time, rational thought went the way of Robert Erlich's sunglasses,
and so did his eyes, and so did he............ . . . . . .