Critter
By Professor Vile
Well, for starters, I guess you could say that I picked the
wrong day to quit smoking. In fact, I went for all of about
three hours without so much as one drag of a cigarette and that
was about three hours too long, so I figure it just wasn't meant
to happen. It's just as well, seeing as I've never really been
able to stick to anything that I've started.
Fifteen years ago, my mother took me aside and told me some
thing to the effect of,You're a no good bastard and I must've
been a lousy parent to raise a shiftless piece of wastage as
you, you little sumthin' or other."
I agreed with her wholeheartedly, as painful as that admission
may seem. See, I failed out of grade school at the age of ten,
and subsequently went on to get fired from about ten or eleven
food service jobs before the work force kind of spat me out into
my living room., where I played a lot of Nintendo, smoked a lot
of cigarettes, and collected a thick coating of dust. I remain
proudest of my dust acquisition due to the fact that no one else,
to my knowledge, has ever actually ever collected dust for real.
My damn Mom made me go to night school for about thirteen years,
until I got my G.E.D. and reclaimed my rightful seat on the couch
in my living room, where I now had a SUPER Nintendo to keep me
mentally challenged. Oh my God, I loved that Super Nintendo.
I miss it so much sometimes.
During the shamefully brief era of the Super Nintendo, I achieved
my second biggest accomplishment (the biggest being my layer
of dust, which slowly disappeared during the first two years
of night school.) My second biggest accomplishment entailed
my battle with this thing that every zoologist I know scoffs
at the existence of, but the Super Nintendo and I know better.
Oh boy, do we ever.
All right, All right. I'm bullshitting too much. I tend to
do that at times, and especially when I tell this story that
started when I first bought the Super Nintendo entertainment
system. I played Super Mario Land as often as I could, and within
two straight months of playing, my skills helped me arrive at
the final board. Yoshi, the sultan who makes the mistake of
fucking with Super Mario and his brother Luigi, was about to
succumb to my mad skills, when someone rang the doorbell and
I had to pause the game.
Before I even had a couple of minutes to scrape myself off of
the couch, the visitor kicked open the door and ran into the
house, screaming something about a "critter." The
guy had a piece of his left leg torn out and he fell over onto
the floor doubled over and died right there in front of me.
Yoshi's ass was mine.
After exactly ten uninterrupted minutes of active game play,
some weird thing ran into the house and into the kitchen, where
it disemboweled my dog, Scott, and ripped my mother's head off.
I heard their screams and barks, but ignored it all for the
sake of eleven full, uninterrupted minutes of game play.
After tearing my house apart for five minutes, the shadowy entity
entered my living room and rudely walked right in front of the
television, causing me to lose one of my extra lives. Turning
to me, the apparition pointed to my empty pack of cigarettes
and yelled the word "critter" over and over. Its loud,
screechy voice sounded ominous, yet it blocked my concentration,
so I paused the game and addressed the black nightmare before
me.
"Yo, do you mind?" I scolded.
"I'm trying to play this game here, and I'm all out of
critters. I quit smoking today. Sorry, bro."
The thing, which stood about seven feet tall, and had glowing
orange eyes It looked a little bit like a cross between the
killer eel from the water world in Super Mario 64 and a molten
shadow formed into charred flesh. If only I had a cigarette
to give to this grub, the events of the ensuing five minutes
may have turned out differently!
After I refused this thing a cigarette, it committed the most
unpardonable sin of smashing my Super Nintendo entertainment
system underneath its foot. Nothing had ever hurt me so much
in my life. Tears welled up in my eyes. My guts churned. I
felt as if I would have a stroke.
Then, an overwhelming feeling of rage just possessed me.
I ripped the motherfucker to shreds faster then I'd ever done
anything before. Within one minute, I'd reduced the intruder
to pieces. it felt like that video game where you fight Mike
Tyson, only this foe didn't fight very well. My kicking of this
things ass remains the second biggest accomplishment of all time,
next to the dust thing I mentioned earlier.
The ensuing years have thus far provided no insight into the
events of that day, but I always make sure that I have at least
one extra cigarette on me in anticipation of some similar experience
occurring. Nowadays, I just sit around the living room, but
I play the Nintendo 64 instead of my late Super Nintendo. Sometimes,
I think back on the critter monster and the Super Nintendo and
then I just smoke a cigarette.
The End
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